Depression sucks

Depression sucks. I think I’m expecting it to be gone. I’m taking meds, I’m doing all the right things so why the hell is it still here. Why does the heaviness in my heart not go away completely and only come back when it’s supposed to, like when really bad things happen? Why do I keep writing these dark poems and talking about this darkness as such an intimate reality rather than a thing of my past? Shouldn’t it be gone by now? I assume that’s what everyone else is thinking- my family and the friends who aren’t closely involved with it. “Shouldn’t she be over this by now? This can’t be the same thing from 2 years ago”.

But that’s another reason depression sucks. It tricks you into thinking there’s a time limit. And it tricks you into thinking there’s a remedy. “If I’m having days that are okay and I’m sticking to the healthy coping mechanisms, I must be approaching the end or maybe I’ve reached it!” And thennnn... it “sneaks” up on you and you’re like “whatttt. I’m still depressed??”  And then you’re an idiot because DUH of course you are! And it convinces you that everyone is tired of your sad shit. And that forces you a little more back inside yourself even though the past whatever years you have made crazy progress in vulnerability and asking for help. But for some reason, it doesn’t seem okay anymore.

So yeah, depression sucks. And guess what, surprise, I’m still depressed.  

Necessary words from a friend

Dear friend,

It’s okay that you’re not okay. It’s okay that you’re struggling to find purpose for each day. It’s okay that you can’t understand things and that you’re struggling to feel significant. It’s okay that you’re confused and you’re struggling to see past the dark haze. Keep struggling. Keep fighting. Keep struggling because if you stop, you’ll miss out. You’ll miss out on what’s beyond the purposeless days, the feelings of insignificance, and the hazy darkness. There is more than just this struggle. If you say you’re not okay, I believe you. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to defend it and explain it. You don’t have to show the map of how you ended up here. I believe you and I believe in you. You are here. We can take the next step together. You can believe me because I’m struggling too. Thank you for meeting me here. 

Mornings

The mornings are light. 

Sometimes they’re easy. 

For a moment, my heart feels alright,

And I’m willing to be cheesy. 

       To let my guard down

No longer hide behind a frown 

       To come out from my shadow 

And speak of the things I love 

        To not only know,

        But also believe whats true

Without fear

Without gloom 

Without loss 

The mornings are light,

Not heavy like the night. 

I know the night will come 

But let me sit here, free of tears, with a smiling heart 

The conversation I hear in my head

-“Prove it”

— “what?”

- “Prove it, I said.”

— “ what do you mean?”

- “ No one will believe it until you prove it. Show them you’re worth it. Show them you’re a good friend. Make them believe in you. They never will on their own.”

— “ oh... I guess you’re right. I could probably do that.”

- “And one more thing. Don’t let them down.”

— “ right. Prove it. Keep them happy and prove it.”

Let me off this ride

I hopped on the train

Unsure of the destination

Unsuspecting of the pain

That swelled up as we left the station 

So I closed my eyes in fear 

I reached out both my hands 

Attempting to grab on and steer

But I realized I had no control 

So I quickly opened my eyes

And looked out at the tracks ahead

Sharp left, sharp right 

Am I on a roller coaster instead?

Up and down, back and forth 

Smile, frown, could there be more?

My triggers bring me to a low

I feel the quick drop 

The ride begins to slow

I wish it would just stop 

But then it’s back up again 

The truth lifts me from the pit 

I’m trecking my way back up again 

Jesus gives me the strength not to quit 

But my heart can only endure for so long 

The ups and the downs, the twists and turns

Like the build and fall in a song

Each level has its own concerns 

Please let me off 

I’m tired of this ride 

Please let it stop 

I feel too much inside