Gray Daze

Today already seems coated
      a bit gray
just a tint of it
You can see at certain angles
What do i make of it?
Do I lay here and weep?
                       or start to sweep
                       and clean and distract
And try not to act
        Like theres sadness below this smile of mine
Please would you throw
                       out your lifeline
Save me
Keep me from drowning
I see your crown
I know you're king
I will bow down
before everything

you      have     made

you       have       made     me

But left me down here, broken and searching
        stuck in the fears
        drowning in tears
But then looking up and catching a glimpse of your glory
      Even    on   this   morning

The gray doesn't sway what my heart already knows
The fears and the tears, they don't have to go
MY heart has surrendered to you as MY king
So down here I will struggle
But down here I will Praise
Because you have promised an eternity of days
Even when i feel caught in a daz…

How to Remember

Sometimes my heart forgets
And gets a bit unsettled Loses its confidence  After Satan has meddled S  t  r  e  t  c  h  e  d things out Pic   k  ed things apart  Turned a whisper into a shout  Ringing in my ears  No where to run free  Making me forget I am able Able to know Able to see That it's all just a show Of the lies within me  Telling me ,       convincing me              That I am unworthy  Am I unworthy?  I think I'm forgetting  Becoming blind once again  Jesus help me remember  Help me see once again Open my eyes to my worth  Silence the lies from the dirt  Send them back to the ruler of the air Remove their effect on my blank stare  Calm my unsettled heart Rescue me from the dark  You are the one I live for  There really is nothing more             To satisfy

Everyone thinks I'm crazy

There are voices inside my head 
And everyone thinks I'm crazy They all see me stuck in my bed  And just assume that I am lazy  They think I'm being too dramatic Like there's some screws loose in my attic My brain is a little broken My mind is sick So many words remain unspoken And the happy days don't stick So everyone thinks I'm crazy 
Oh wait  But maybe  Maybe they don't think that  Maybe that's just the voices  The voices in my head  Telling me that instead

A poem based on Job 24

Melancholy does not define me
He is using it to refine me This life offers me no security  It bring much struggle and pain Because that's leading to maturity It is all worth it, not all in vain  He will not forget me like he does the wicked Because darkness is where they dwell And quickly the grave snatches them away Into darkness I may have fell  But in darkness I will not stay The wicked vanish in an instant  Like the foam on the surface of the waves  Their torment is constant Even beyond the moment of the grave  But as depression lasts for years and years I have a confidence that the wicked do not His love is greater than all my fears He is faithful, whatever my lot The pain is good Though often misunderstood  The pain draws me deeper Closer to my savior He will not turn his back on my plea But draws me closer to eternity

Numbness is a prison guard

Waves of anxiety

Boom, boom, boom. Throb, throb, throb. The heart beats and beats and beats. The pulsing sensation spreads, legs shake, toes wiggle, feet stomp. Please sit still. It is foreign. Please focus. It is impossible. Stop. Stop. Stop. It stops. But then it goes again. The whole body is in a hurry, but to go nowhere. There is a sense of urgency and rush, hurry and bustle in the mind. Be still. Be still. Be still. A moment of calm, a moment of peace. And there it goes again. Boom, throb, beat. Shake, wiggle, stomp. Waves of anxiety.

The pit

Sometimes I'm far from it, there is no danger falling in. Sometimes I'm standing on the edge but with enough room that I won't slip. Sometimes I'm grasping the side of the ground, with my feet dangling in, trying to pull myself up. And every once in a while, it's as if someone shoved me in, with no warning. What is it? It's the pit. The pit is dark, deep, lonely. The walls are slippery and steep, impossible to crawl. The bottom offers nothing good yet has this amazing ability to increase what you bring to it. If you bring sadness, it will in return give you despair. If you bring with you doubts, it will allow you to find hopelessness. It is a place to sit and nothing else, there is not enough room. So how do you get out once you're in? Well, it can become a home for some, they never really find their way out and choose to live a life, comfortably isolated and despairing. Others panic as they scream and cry and grab at the side walls, only to slide back down…