Tidal wave

When depression comes in waves

It doesn’t just crash at my feet

It barrels over like a tidal wave

And clouds all that I see

As it hits, the pain is familiar

And for a moment, I allow myself to drown 

My body sinks down 

Until I know I have to come up 

So I rush back to the surface and gulp for air

Sitting exhausted, stuck in a stare

Still winded from the impact

Dripping from the storm 

The day and its duties have faded 

All motivation is no more

The muscles in my body, fatigued 

The thoughts in my head, downcast

Appetite and desires, gone

All hope fading fast

All hope within myself

But I remember new hope at last! 

Pray.  

Pray. 

Pray. 

Plead for joy 

Plead for freedom 

I converse with my Creator

And he tells me to come 

He tells me to sit close

And listen to his voice

He said he sent that wave

He knew I’d make that choice

He knew I’d come to him

And because I swam to shore

I know the way to find him 

Better than I did before 

Days go by

The days go by
one by one
Do you stop to ask why
When you see her alone
Do you notice her
on one of those days
or do you keep passing on
Despite tears in her eyes

The days go by
for her and for you
She just wants someone to try
To sit with her and push through
To remind her that these days
are not always what they seem
That day after day
Even though she wants to scream
one day will come
and all will be well

She won't have to be numb
More bright days will come
And the darker ones will fade
She'll reach out to the one by whom she was made
And all will be well.
All is well.
All is well.

Each moment matters

Everything moves, the noises become ubiquitous.
But then, something changes.
Everything stops. There is silence.
Momentary peace floods my heart.
A second of restfulness enters my body.
Enjoy the change, the stop, the silence.

Everything moves, the movement becomes comfortable.
It leads to productivity and the days hurry on.
But then theres a moment of disruption and the day must slow.
The disruption is a gift, a moment to notice, to look around.
An opportunity to see and feel the things you have been missing
Enjoy the gift, the feelings, the observation.

Everything moves, people are on the go.
Your driver will arrive in 3 minutes
A non stop option is only $35 more
We have found a quicker route for you
I know a shortcut
Why is this person driving so slow?
Come on, hurry up.

Everything moves, and we want it to move faster.
But what if instead, we moved slower?
What if we walked instead of ran and got to see the buildings around us we've never noticed before?
What if we drove slower and looked around, discovering the places we've never been but know we will love?
What if we walked with our heads up and noticed the people around us, giving them a smile or a word?
What if we learned that each moment is precious,
Each moment is unique and worth celebrating,
Each moment matters.

So don't miss it,
Don't go so fast that you miss the beauty before you,
Dont rush through it that you miss the gift,
Dont hurry on that you leave behind the value of it all.
The people, the places, the world God created for us to see and say " it is good. "

Beyond the Now

Feelings of insignificance. Feelings of exhaustion. Emotional and physical pain. Frustration with people, frustration with myself. Confusion, yet clarity. Motivation, but not enough. Love, the kind that hurts. Love, the kind at the surface. Love, the self- sacrificial, life-saving kind. It all runs so deep. My heart, my soul, my mind, my strength. My heart bleeds so easily, wounded so deeply, but it does not take much to keep it beating and keep it strong and keep it happy. My mind wanders, gets me in trouble, but likes to be entertained and challenged. My soul knows truth, knows its Creator, it is safe and faithful. My strength wavers, weary but with hope, motivated in the exhaustion. the truth is all that matters. The truth keeps me going. The truth is the most profound, it goes down to the core of my being and keeps me alive. Alive for what? That, I am not sure. But alive, indeed. To live, to love, to laugh, to cry, to serve and be served, to know and be known, to fall and get up, to break, to heal, to jump, to slide. To feel the peak of vulnerability. To experience closeness of others. To find the greatest joy on this earth, but to keep searching, to keep wanting, to keep waiting. Desires, unmet. Dreams, unfulfilled. Questions without answers. A life that is chosen, yet meant for another place. A place where all is well. Feelings of significance, feelings of rejuvenation. Emotional and physical rest. Peace with others, peace with myself, peace. The veil lifted. The one who is Love revealed in his full glory.

Depression sucks

Depression sucks. I think I’m expecting it to be gone. I’m taking meds, I’m doing all the right things so why the hell is it still here. Why does the heaviness in my heart not go away completely and only come back when it’s supposed to, like when really bad things happen? Why do I keep writing these dark poems and talking about this darkness as such an intimate reality rather than a thing of my past? Shouldn’t it be gone by now? I assume that’s what everyone else is thinking- my family and the friends who aren’t closely involved with it. “Shouldn’t she be over this by now? This can’t be the same thing from 2 years ago”.

But that’s another reason depression sucks. It tricks you into thinking there’s a time limit. And it tricks you into thinking there’s a remedy. “If I’m having days that are okay and I’m sticking to the healthy coping mechanisms, I must be approaching the end or maybe I’ve reached it!” And thennnn... it “sneaks” up on you and you’re like “whatttt. I’m still depressed??”  And then you’re an idiot because DUH of course you are! And it convinces you that everyone is tired of your sad shit. And that forces you a little more back inside yourself even though the past whatever years you have made crazy progress in vulnerability and asking for help. But for some reason, it doesn’t seem okay anymore.

So yeah, depression sucks. And guess what, surprise, I’m still depressed.  

Necessary words from a friend

Dear friend,

It’s okay that you’re not okay. It’s okay that you’re struggling to find purpose for each day. It’s okay that you can’t understand things and that you’re struggling to feel significant. It’s okay that you’re confused and you’re struggling to see past the dark haze. Keep struggling. Keep fighting. Keep struggling because if you stop, you’ll miss out. You’ll miss out on what’s beyond the purposeless days, the feelings of insignificance, and the hazy darkness. There is more than just this struggle. If you say you’re not okay, I believe you. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to defend it and explain it. You don’t have to show the map of how you ended up here. I believe you and I believe in you. You are here. We can take the next step together. You can believe me because I’m struggling too. Thank you for meeting me here. 

Mornings

The mornings are light. 

Sometimes they’re easy. 

For a moment, my heart feels alright,

And I’m willing to be cheesy. 

       To let my guard down

No longer hide behind a frown 

       To come out from my shadow 

And speak of the things I love 

        To not only know,

        But also believe whats true

Without fear

Without gloom 

Without loss 

The mornings are light,

Not heavy like the night. 

I know the night will come 

But let me sit here, free of tears, with a smiling heart