Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Depression sucks

Depression sucks. I think I’m expecting it to be gone. I’m taking meds, I’m doing all the right things so why the hell is it still here. Why does the heaviness in my heart not go away completely and only come back when it’s supposed to, like when really bad things happen? Why do I keep writing these dark poems and talking about this darkness as such an intimate reality rather than a thing of my past? Shouldn’t it be gone by now? I assume that’s what everyone else is thinking- my family and the friends who aren’t closely involved with it. “Shouldn’t she be over this by now? This can’t be the same thing from 2 years ago”.

But that’s another reason depression sucks. It tricks you into thinking there’s a time limit. And it tricks you into thinking there’s a remedy. “If I’m having days that are okay and I’m sticking to the healthy coping mechanisms, I must be approaching the end or maybe I’ve reached it!” And thennnn... it “sneaks” up on you and you’re like “whatttt. I’m still depressed??”  And then you’re an idiot because DUH of course you are! And it convinces you that everyone is tired of your sad shit. And that forces you a little more back inside yourself even though the past whatever years you have made crazy progress in vulnerability and asking for help. But for some reason, it doesn’t seem okay anymore.

So yeah, depression sucks. And guess what, surprise, I’m still depressed.  

Monday, November 6, 2017

Necessary words from a friend

Dear friend,
It’s okay that you’re not okay. It’s okay that you’re struggling to find purpose for each day. It’s okay that you can’t understand things and that you’re struggling to feel significant. It’s okay that you’re confused and you’re struggling to see past the dark haze. Keep struggling. Keep fighting. Keep struggling because if you stop, you’ll miss out. You’ll miss out on what’s beyond the purposeless days, the feelings of insignificance, and the hazy darkness. There is more than just this struggle. If you say you’re not okay, I believe you. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to defend it and explain it. You don’t have to show the map of how you ended up here. I believe you and I believe in you. You are here. We can take the next step together. You can believe me because I’m struggling too. Thank you for meeting me here. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Mornings

The mornings are light. 
Sometimes they’re easy. 
For a moment, my heart feels alright,
And I’m willing to be cheesy. 

       To let my guard down
No longer hide behind a frown 
       To come out from my shadow 
And speak of the things I love 
        To not only know,
        But also believe whats true

Without fear
Without gloom 
Without loss 

The mornings are light,
Not heavy like the night. 
I know the night will come 
But let me sit here, free of tears, with a smiling heart 

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The conversation I hear in my head

-“Prove it”

— “what?”

- “Prove it, I said.”

— “ what do you mean?”

- “ No one will believe it until you prove it. Show them you’re worth it. Show them you’re a good friend. Make them believe in you. They never will on their own.”

— “ oh... I guess you’re right. I could probably do that.”

- “And one more thing. Don’t let them down.”

— “ right. Prove it. Keep them happy and prove it.”

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Let me off this ride

I hopped on the train
Unsure of the destination
Unsuspecting of the pain
That swelled up as we left the station 

So I closed my eyes in fear 
I reached out both my hands 
Attempting to grab on and steer
But I realized I had no control 
So I quickly opened my eyes
And looked out at the tracks ahead
Sharp left, sharp right 
Am I on a roller coaster instead?

Up and down, back and forth 
Smile, frown, could there be more?
My triggers bring me to a low
I feel the quick drop 
The ride begins to slow
I wish it would just stop 
But then it’s back up again 
The truth lifts me from the pit 
I’m trecking my way back up again 
Jesus gives me the strength not to quit 
But my heart can only endure for so long 
The ups and the downs, the twists and turns
Like the build and fall in a song
Each level has its own concerns 

Please let me off 
I’m tired of this ride 
Please let it stop 
I feel too much inside 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Gray Daze

Jesus,
Today already seems coated
      a bit gray
just a tint of it
You can see at certain angles
What do i make of it?
Do I lay here and weep?
                       or start to sweep
                       and clean and distract
And try not to act
        Like theres sadness below this smile of mine
Please would you throw
                       out your lifeline
Save me
Keep me from drowning
I see your crown
I know you're king
I will bow down
before everything

you      have     made

you       have       made     me

But left me down here, broken and searching
        stuck in the fears
        drowning in tears
But then looking up and catching a glimpse of your glory
      Even    on   this   morning

The gray doesn't sway what my heart already knows
The fears and the tears, they don't have to go
MY heart has surrendered to you as MY king
So down here I will struggle
But down here I will Praise
Because you have promised an eternity of days
Even when i feel caught in a daze
I can see you from down here
And I remember you have all power to steer
this day back to white, and remove all the gray
"I am with you always", thats all you had to say.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

How to Remember

Sometimes my heart forgets
And gets a bit unsettled
Loses its confidence 
After Satan has meddled
S  t  r  e  t  c  h  e  d things out
Pic   k  ed things apart 
Turned a whisper into a shout 
Ringing in my ears 
No where to run free 
Making me forget I am able
Able to know
Able to see
That it's all just a show
Of the lies within me 
Telling me ,
      convincing me 
            That I am unworthy 
Am I unworthy? 
I think I'm forgetting 
Becoming blind once again 
Jesus help me remember 
Help me see once again
Open my eyes to my worth 
Silence the lies from the dirt 
Send them back to the ruler of the air
Remove their effect on my blank stare 
Calm my unsettled heart
Rescue me from the dark 
You are the one I live for 
There really is nothing more 
           To satisfy 

Depression sucks

Depression sucks. I think I’m expecting it to be gone. I’m taking meds, I’m doing all the right things so why the hell is it still here. Why...