Depression sucks

Depression sucks. I think I’m expecting it to be gone. I’m taking meds, I’m doing all the right things so why the hell is it still here. Why does the heaviness in my heart not go away completely and only come back when it’s supposed to, like when really bad things happen? Why do I keep writing these dark poems and talking about this darkness as such an intimate reality rather than a thing of my past? Shouldn’t it be gone by now? I assume that’s what everyone else is thinking- my family and the friends who aren’t closely involved with it. “Shouldn’t she be over this by now? This can’t be the same thing from 2 years ago”.

But that’s another reason depression sucks. It tricks you into thinking there’s a time limit. And it tricks you into thinking there’s a remedy. “If I’m having days that are okay and I’m sticking to the healthy coping mechanisms, I must be approaching the end or maybe I’ve reached it!” And thennnn... it “sneaks” up on you and you’re like “whatttt. I’m still depressed??”  And then you’re an idiot because DUH of course you are! And it convinces you that everyone is tired of your sad shit. And that forces you a little more back inside yourself even though the past whatever years you have made crazy progress in vulnerability and asking for help. But for some reason, it doesn’t seem okay anymore.

So yeah, depression sucks. And guess what, surprise, I’m still depressed.