Numbness is a prison guard

Most of the time the idea of a prison guard carries with it a negative connotation, associated with oppression, brutality, and inequality. But, sometimes prison guards aren’t so bad, you know— some of them have families, they’re committed to justice and freedom of the people in a way, and are doing the best job they can. They often become more jaded and morph in to this intimidating figure over time, as it seems necessary to keep order. But what does numbness have to do with prison or the people guarding it? I’m glad you asked. Numbness in a person’s life comes in to restore order when all seems to be out of control, chaotic. Emotions flying off the wall, taking you to places and thoughts and feelings you don't want to be, so numbness offers to lock them up and keep them at bay. The only catch: they lose their freedom. You can make deals with numbness just like inmates make deals with the guards. You can get on their good side; nobody gets hurt if you just play by their rules. As long as you let numbness govern your feelings, your life will be okay. Now, obviously prison is not the greatest place to spend the rest of your life, but once you’re there you might as well make the best of it right? Yeah I guess, unless you’re innocent, unless you didn't do anything wrong to deserve imprisonment and someone just came by one day when you were living your life and locked you up. Then that wouldn't be ok. Then why do we do that to our emotions? They’re just out there, acting up sometimes but not committing any crimes and then one day we say, you know what, this is too much, I want you gone. And numbness comes and drags them away and locks them up. It seems like a good deal, until you realize that you gave up your freedom to feel, to experience full joy, to mourn deeply and receive comfort, and most of all, experience fullness of life with your Savior

Waves of anxiety

Boom, boom, boom. Throb, throb, throb. The heart beats and beats and beats. The pulsing sensation spreads, legs shake, toes wiggle, feet stomp. Please sit still. It is foreign. Please focus. It is impossible. Stop. Stop. Stop. It stops. But then it goes again. The whole body is in a hurry, but to go nowhere. There is a sense of urgency and rush, hurry and bustle in the mind. Be still. Be still. Be still. A moment of calm, a moment of peace. And there it goes again. Boom, throb, beat. Shake, wiggle, stomp. Waves of anxiety. 

The pit

Sometimes I'm far from it, there is no danger falling in. Sometimes I'm standing on the edge but with enough room that I won't slip. Sometimes I'm grasping the side of the ground, with my feet dangling in, trying to pull myself up. And every once in a while, it's as if someone shoved me in, with no warning. What is it? It's the pit. The pit is dark, deep, lonely. The walls are slippery and steep, impossible to crawl. The bottom offers nothing good yet has this amazing ability to increase what you bring to it. If you bring sadness, it will in return give you despair. If you bring with you doubts, it will allow you to find hopelessness. It is a place to sit and nothing else, there is not enough room. So how do you get out once you're in? Well, it can become a home for some, they never really find their way out and choose to live a life, comfortably isolated and despairing. Others panic as they scream and cry and grab at the side walls, only to slide back down each time. But then a rope appears, sometimes you have the strength to grab it and sometimes you can barely lift your finger to touch it. As the rope hangs and you grab on, you feel yourself being lifted out. Light shines in your eyes that had become adjusted to the darkness, it is uncomfortable and feels unnatural. You know it is good to be out, but you miss the security of the pit. But then, you adjust, you like the light and the space and the freedom out side of the pit. The fear remains of falling back in, but for now, you are out and that is enough. 

One of those hard days

My thoughts began to drift
The focus would not stay
Frantically my brain tried to sift
But still found nothing to say

Tears swelled up in my eyes
As they continued looking at the beach
It was one of those cries
inexplainable by speech

Where did it start
I couldn't tell you, not today
I was falling apart
And thats the most I could say

Sitting in silence
Anxiety and despair
Sitting in silence
oh what a pair.

The voices no one else hears (part 1)

The alarm to take medication went off as she quickly realized she had forgotten. "Do I stay quiet and skip it today or announce it in front of my whole family to turn the car around?" asked FEAR. She sat there and finally spoke up, telling her dad they had to go back. Then the dreaded question was asked, "Whats the medication for?" from someone behind her. "How much should I explain, do they really need to know?" asked SHAME. Her heart sank as she mumbled the word "depression" out loud. "Now they're all thinking that I'm dramatic or have issues or am making it all up" said PRIDE. As they looped back around to the hotel, she hopped out, ran past the bell men, into the elevator, across the hotel, up to the room, grabbed the pill, swallowed it, and sprinted back to same way, into the car, and sat in her seat. " They were probably all talking about me when I was gone" said INSECURITY.