Looking through the eyes of the insecure

Dear friend,
I wrote this for you. Through your eyes.

I look up and see myself there
when i catch just a glimpse, I'm covered in shame.
I know it won't help but I can't help but stare
And let these images define me as I forget my true name.

The mirrors are like knives and stab me just enough
to feel so much pain and hold me there stuck
How does this happen when I'm doing all the right stuff
The words I can't stray from are big fat and yuck.

I walk out the room and go on with my life
I forget about the pain and all can be well
Until I look over and see another knife
The little confidence I had, well, it just fell

Its not just on the surface
It goes oh so deep
its more than the makeup or clothes that I purchase
The agony of my worth brings me to weep

Why don't they pick me?
I believe no one will
Why don't they like me?
These questions haunt me still.

I believe no one will ever see
any true beauty in me
Is there more here than just how I look?
Those other guys, look at how much they took!

I let them all tell me what I am worth
I let them all show me this is what I deserve
I watch them leave and leave me with hurt
As I see this idol grow that I serve.

But they're wrong and they never were right!
They're the ones in darkness and I'm in the light
Those mirrors, they can't hurt me
They only tell me lies
Those questions won't help me see
despite all my tries

I was created from the beginning
With exquisite beauty and form
so even when my heart is spinning
the veil is still torn
so I can enter the throne room of the one who knows all
The one who will hold me and not let me fall
The one who I worship and follow his law
He speaks my true beauty and I fall down in awe.

A picture of the heart

A human heart can be drawn out like a scale. One the left side, there is a box labeled "good". On the other side there is a box labeled "bad". We filter through our experiences throughout life and sort them in to these boxes. On a normal day, the scale is level and balanced. On a good day, the "good" box outweighs the "bad" box. Maybe something really awesome happened that day, or its a special day like your birthday. Whatever it is, you perceive it be a little more weighted, more substantial that the other hard things in life so it adds to the good side for a certain amount of time, however long it lasts. And, on a bad day, the opposite is true. The "bad" box is a little heavier. Maybe something tragic happened, or its been a series of unfortunate events, or its a sad day like the anniversary of a death or breakup. These are the days when one more small thing happens and everything kinda blows up because the scale was already pointed that way, it was just waiting to fall. But this is accepted, it makes sense, and things go back to normal eventually. Whatever it is, our emotions balance back and forth, tilting the scale one way or the other, but the scale is still standing, life goes on.

A depressed human heart looks similar -- a scale. However, next to the bad box on the right is this little dense steel cube called depression. It looks insignificant when compared to the sizes of the other boxes on the scale and certainly would not be expected to shift the scale too much. However, for some reason, this dense, heavy cube puts the scale in a downward slant with the right side pointing down and the left side pointing up. For a depressed person, this is a normal day. This is how they learn to live, cope, and even try to explain to others. An un level scale, a heart that is hard to balance. On a good day, it can become balanced, by filling the box with good experiences and by adding more boxes to outweigh the other side. These other boxes can be labeled therapy, medication, healthy coping mechanisms, or anything that seems to balance it out. So, on a good day, the scale is balanced. On the slightest bad day, however, even the smallest little box added to the right side of the scale can make the whole thing tilt so far to to right that the whole thing comes crashing down, all the boxes slide off, the scale falls apart, and all is in pieces. This is called the pit. This leads to anger, confusion, hopelessness, sadness and despair. This is when all seems lost, pointless, beyond repair. It appears to be an overreaction, the person is overly emotional or it is just a misunderstanding. But sometimes thats just how it goes, and people come in and have to help pick up all the pieces and put the whole thing back together. And the cycle continues. But the cycle is not a mistake, its not some random chance of events. The scales tip because God allows them tip. The pit exists because God allows it to exist. The cycle brings us closer to him.

The language of depression

Depression has its own language. Some words are the same, but they have a different meaning. Some words don't come in the form of words, but in the form of a facial expression or posture. Only someone who is depressed really knows how to speak this language. Someone who deeply invests in the life of the depressed can learn it and learn to translate and communicate. "I am sad" takes on a whole new meaning. It's more than just being sad. "Darkness" is no longer just the absence of life or some distant fear - it's a constant reality. Most of the times, words don't suffice. Most of the time, words are spoken in tears, unbroken stares, and dead silence. Learning this new language is vital because without it, there is no expression. Without, everything is "fine". Without it, depression wins. But with it, there is hope, there is companionship, there is freedom in communication, there are feelings and raw emotion. It allows for lessons learned, intimacy gained, and trust established. 

When my mind tries to trick me

Sometimes I sit here and get overwhelmed thinking about things. Thinking about all the people that I love and want to spend time with but how that almost seems impossible. Thinking about all the things I want to do like surf, clean, or write a blog, but how I probably don't have the energy or endurance. Its as if my mind is tricking me, its telling me things to protect me. And these things aren't harmful, they were actually helpful at one point. But I think in real life, when I actually call that friend, or go to that person's house, or get up and start writing, its usually better than my mind was trying to tell me it would be. Maybe I need some more courage. Maybe if I would just do things, then I wouldnt let my mind trick me so much. But also maybe I'm expecting too much of myself, maybe sometimes my mind is right. Like I'm slowly getting better, and its okay that it is slow. its okay that its a battle. its okay that I switch back and forth in my emotions, in my thoughts, in my excitement and energy levels so quickly and so often. If life was just about me then it probably wouldnt really be that okay because then my life would actually just be a mess with no purpose, nothing outside of myself to make the chaos all worth it. And then maybe my mind wouldnt be tricking me, maybe my mind would be right and this mess of a life is just my life. But since this life isn't about me, since its not centered on what i can or cannot do, think, or say, the mess, the chaos, the twists and turns, they are not only worth it, they are perfectly planned and necessary. So its okay if I stay where my mind tells me to stay. But its okay if I get up.

The pruned tree

I once saw myself as a righteously planted tree
But the Lord looked down and had mercy on me
He saw something greater, a tree, but with flowers
And wanted to refine me, with all his power
So he pruned me
because he knew me
He took away what I once thought was good
And all day long my tears were my food
I learned new words like downcast and despair
And I pleaded with Lord for what I thought was fair
But then i saw what it meant just to trust
That its true when he says he is good, sovereign and just

Now I see what is real
My hope has been refined
Now i know how to feel
And joy has been redefined
I have seen that nothing hinders love
that my strength will never be enough
I am satisfied by what comes from above
Even in the midst of a life that is rough

It started out as a season
Of one day i hoped to be free
But now for some reason
Its become part of me
Its been a great teacher
And beckoned me to come closer
It spoke louder than the preacher
And took away all acts as a poser

I can see much more clearly
And am much quicker to trust
He loves me so dearly
even though I am dust

I am a tree

If I take the time to delight in the law of the Lord, to meditate on it at all times by reading it and memorizing and just thinking about his words, truth and commands, then i will be like a tree planted by streams of water. This tree is planted by someone, therefore the place I am was chosen and secure. I have potential to grow and to wither. If my roots are near streams of water, I am healthy and will yield fruit. This water is not stagnant, it is not just the same water that I sit in. This water is flowing, it is constant but changing. Gods word should be constantly running over me so that I can bear fruit. Fruit is a sign of a healthy tree. And the fruit benefits others. It is nourishing to those close by, not just an irrelevant sign. It has purpose for building up the people of God. A growing tree will provide shade and rest for others. And its proximity to flowing water lures people to this stream of life. The fruit comes and goes with season of life. But the tree and the water remain. Prosperity is guaranteed because of closeness and intimacy with my Father.